we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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