There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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