Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
