i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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