I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
