can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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