Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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