for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
