ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
