she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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