I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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