I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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