I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
