My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
