If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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