Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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