I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
