How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
