i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i have two assholes
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
