I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize