its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
