Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
