Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
