he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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