I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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