You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
