i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
