What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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