Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize