she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
