Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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