all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
