I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
