Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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