i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
