There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
