i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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