im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
