i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
