fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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