I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
