btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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