Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
