just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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