thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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