Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
