the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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