yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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