living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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