At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
