i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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