I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love you.
Bad choice
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