My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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