My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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