So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
