People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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